On the spot

With in-person dates now resuming (hooray!), and new connections on the horizon, I thought it might be handy to collate my responses to someone of the questions I get asked most frequently, so that we can expedite getting to know one another.

Q: How did you get into this?A: I was bitten by a radioactive spider in dildo factory.

Q: What is your real name?A: I was christened Figue Baies, after my parents’ two favourite Diptique candles. Sadly, no sponsorship agreement was ever reached.

Q: What do your parents think of what you do? A: Unfortunately, my entire extended family perished in a tragic submarine scented candle fire before I was able to tell them. The captain (sole survivor, suspicious) said it was my grandmother’s dying wish that I be a unbridled hedonist until my dying breath.

Q: Do you get asked to do really weird things?A: Once, a man asked me to meet him in a weird junkyard, and explain, through the medium of song, why I should enter something he called the Heavyside Layer. It was weird. Judi Dench was there. Perhaps I am thinking of the film Cats

Q: Are you discreet?A: No. Like many escorts, I suffer from Prostitute Alarm System. As a result, every fifteen minutes a loud klaxon sound emanates from my underwear, whilst my whole body glows a deep neon red. There is no known cure at this time.

Q: Do bad things happen to you at work?A: Yes, I am repeatedly asked completely tone-deaf questions such as this one.

Q: Are you genuinely bisexual?A: Like all true bisexuals I am deeply disingenuous. You must be on high alert for bisexual trickery at all times and never go in against a bisexual when death is on the line.

Q: Do you have a partner? Are they OK with this? A: As required by law for all millennials, I am polyamorous and thus have more partners than I can sometimes remember. Those I could recall mostly seem fine about the fact they are going out with someone who is sexy for a living.